Perfectionism

I've realized that over the past year I've developed a little bit of a perfectionist... thing. It's not extreme in the least bit. I'd give myself 6 out of 10 on the perfectionism scale.

I don't see anything wrong with striving for perfection. I think that's what everyone should do. I do however, see something wrong with working yourself to death all day everyday only to hate yourself for never actually reaching perfection.

Truthfully and without placing blame on her I believe that I learned this from my mom. She's been a perfectionist her entire life. I remember being a little girl and feeling like she didn't like me because I never did anything "perfect" or "just right."

Growing up I was determined not to be like her. And did a pretty good job of not adopting her crazy standard, habits, and expectations for everything to be perfect in life. I did such a good job in fact, that I was failing at everything in life. Most kids between 13-17 go through an "awkward phase." I was too busy self-sabotaging.

After high school was over I went through a typical grey-period of not knowing what to do with my life. Did I want to go to college? Start working? WHAT??? As sad as it sounds it went on for about a year. But I got my act together and worked my butt off while going to school. It was then that I realized I had been ruining my entire life up to that point. And for what? All to spite my mother. I was depressed for a while dwelling day after day on all the time I wasted, opportunities I let pass me by, people that I could have spent time with.

When I turned 19 I vowed to myself that I would never allow myself to be that girl again. She was dead and I was going to create a better much happier life for myself.

And I felt great about that decision for a long time. But it took me until now to realize that I may have overcompensated in a few areas.

I wanted so desperately to break away from that dumb girl I was and to be this amazing young woman that I always dreamed of being. Which would be completely fine, if my expectations for this 'new girl' weren't so unrealistic too.