Careless

I've been so consumed with all of my day-to-day things. For far too long I've been putting my relationship with God, among other things, on the back burner. My mom had been out of state until recently so she asked if I had been to church while she was gone. I sort of snarled and replied, "I haven't been to church in weeks!" Another day I asked my dad to sit with me and have bible study like we used to. He agreed, and proceeded to tell me to go grab my bible and notebook. Without hesitation and with a bit of irritation, I said "Now? But I'm trying to watch something!" He looked at me like I was insane, and with good reason! And at that precise moment I couldn't believe how lazy and careless I had become. I couldn't believe the words coming out of my own mouth! I mean, right? I just brushed it off as if it were nothing. As if my relationship with God meant nothing to me at all.

I had gotten so comfortable not attending and sleeping in or going to bible studies regularly. Some time ago I was completely without transportation. I couldn't really go out and do those things anymore. Initially it wasn't a big deal because I always believed that I didn't have to go to a specific place with specific people around in order to be in touch with Him. After all, it was my relationship. I could talk to God whenever, wherever. I just liked doing those extra things, but they were never essential.

Over time, as with most things, I began to put other things first. Things that ordinarily would be fine as top priorities - rebuilding friendships, indulging in my hobbies, having fun, working, etc. But I guess I never realized exactly how much importance I had placed those other things. 

The problem isn't what I'm doing. The problem is allowing it to come before God.

And for that I feel guilty.

Almost shameful.

And make no mistake, I don't believe He looks down on me with shame and anger. I don't think He's up in heaven ready to smite me with lightning. These feelings are all my own. My spiritual growth is so so so important to me and yet I've just pushed it aside. As bad as I feel about it though, there is still a bit of gladness. Because only when you are aware of a problem are you able to fix it. I am so incredibly glad that the God I serve is such an understanding one. He knows I'm not perfect, that I failed, and will continue to fail. Yet He still loves me. He still forgives me and embraces me with open arms time and time again. He proves that to me every single day in a very special way.

Looks like I've got a lot of catching up to do!