My (almost) First Love

We don’t get many chances in life at the same thing. Once is pure chance. Twice is a coincidence. But three times? Honey, that’s a true miracle!

I met him when I was 14. Life led us down different paths and we lost touch.

He came back when I was around 16, but only for a brief period.

And when I was 17, like a miracle there he was.

You ever hear that phrase “you wouldn’t know _____ if it walked up and bit you in the butt?”

Well there I was at 17. Love (or whatever it was) literally sat right next to me. Staring me straight in the eye, ready to take my hand. I was in a fog. Kind of like when you're driving and there's too much fog all around and you can't see past the cars directly in front of you or where you're headed. All you can do is sort of look for a safe place to pull over so you can wait for it to clear. I didn't know which direction to take, what to say, how to feel, or anything! All I could do in the moment was freeze; emotionally, I pulled over. Hoping for the sun to shine and give me some clarity. But it never came. Never in my life have I experienced something like that so naturally I didn’t recognize it for what it was. Couldn't even put a name to it. I didn’t realize that it was exactly what I’d been wishing for. Unfortunately some things you only learn once you get a chance to look back on them. At that time in my life I simply hadn’t learned how to love myself yet. So when he came along and wanted to be closer to me and to care about me I wouldn’t let him. Honestly I didn’t feel that I deserved anybody's attention. But it’s really weird because it wasn’t intentional. Never meant to shut him out. But now I realize that is exactly what I was doing. I believe that at the time I was too young of heart. I came to this realization after yet another long night of tossing and turning. My heart aches. And all I can do is cry. Not necessarily for him, but for myself.


Yeah I know, I know, I'm being really dramatic. Maybe even a little ridiculous. But honestly everyone has heartbreak. Whether it's self-inflicted or done by someone else. I've had my heartbroken by a silly crush I once had but this time it was all my own doing. Self sabotage at its best, or should I say its worst.


It's times like this when I wish I had a best friend or just any friend to hug and cry it out with. And stay up to crazy hours in the night doing all the silly things that us girls do just to let loose and have fun. Laugh about a silly movie while pigging out allllll night. I need a good old-fashioned girls night. Yeah, I think that would help. Because right now, sitting here typing like a mad woman, feeling sorry for myself, and crying at 4 in the morning is not helping the situation at all.