She told me to just grin and bear it - Friday Letters

  

Dear followers+friends,
You want the truth? Well here it is straight, no chaser.
I've struggled with self-harm since the 7th grade.
I was 'clean' for about 5 months and this week I relapsed.
There I said it. I admit it.


So for mental and emotional health reasons I am going to take a small vacay from blogging. I'm not quitting blogging! I just have a lot going on in my personal life right now that needs sorting. Maybe I'll be able to really sit down and explain one day all of what's going on with me...maybe I won't. But right now I'm not in the right frame of mind to do so. I hope you understand. There's a lot of things about myself that I've kept private because it's just plain embarrassing. Like, even though it hurts so much to keep it all to myself I'm afraid to share certain things in the hopes of finally feeling relieved and accepted and understood only to have it backfire on me in the end. I don't want to be seen as an embarrassment or annoying or a hypocrite or just another pathetic girl who couldn't get her life together.

Believe me I've been doing (or at least trying my best to do) a good job of keeping my chin up. I've thought good thoughts, laughed hearty laughs, took pretty pictures, got new clothes, sang a bunch of sugary songs, and all that jazz. But it was to no avail. I've still failed. I feel like I'm back at square one. I've done all that I know how to do to keep a genuine smile on my face. But right now I am emotionally drained. I am physically tired. This past week was the straw that broke the camels back. I have done all I can to ignore my triggers. I've spent countless days researching alternatives. Looking for ways around it. Fighting all of my urges. But I failed. Just like I always do.

I feel like the best thing for me to do is to take myself away from anything in my life that may contribute to any and all negative thoughts/feelings and this includes social media. I have to do what I have to do in order to keep myself sane. So please be patient with me. Again, I'm not quitting, I just need to get myself back into a happy frame of mind.

Aloha `oe, until we meet again xoxo