Never easy but always worth it pt1

I try to remain transparent and 115% honest on my blog, mainly for myself. This space is like an honest account of my life, feelings, thoughts, etc. I'm not a good writer but it still is very cathartic for me. Actually talking to another person has never helped me in the past. Too many things get in the way- nervousness, anxiety, feeling like I'm being judged, withholding truths in fear of the other persons reaction, the list goes on forever.  So I'd much rather write out my never-ending stream of consciousness (to myself) in a place that I truly feel safe and free to speak (type) my mind whenever and wherever I am.

That being said, because of my decision to have this space be public meaning that anyone anywhere in the universe can learn nearly every detail of my life- there are still things that I do not post. There are experiences and thoughts and feelings that I keep private as they are not for everyone to know about. Some matters should remain personal- to ONE person only. That person is me.

What I can share is that so many wonderful and unexpected things have been going on over the last year in my personal life, love life, and work life. I've been falling for a boy with bright blue eyes, excelling at my job, and am currently in the beginning stages of starting a new business venture all on my own! My dreams are literally coming true!!! Yet and still there is an undercurrent of terrible inexplicable feelings.

Some of these are to be expected. Everyone gets scared when life suddenly starts to take a new direction even if that direction is a good one! It's only natural to be wary of the rug being ripped from under you without notice. "Is this too good to be true?" sort of thing. And of course there's doubt. The "I don't deserve this" monologue you recite to yourself.

In addition to those thoughts and feelings I'm feeling something a bit darker. Last summer I relapsed after being 'good' for about 8 months. I was caught with fresh wounds and bandages by my mother which lead to an intervention of sorts.  My family rushed to my house in the middle of the night and I was basically sobbing for 3 hours as they tried to 'fix me.' It's been almost 6 months since that awful night and I haven't touched a blade since then. Okay I'm lying, I have touched a blade (or 5) but I haven't hurt myself since then. I cannot lie. I've been so tempted to do it again.

At work we have what we call a 'cutting table' and I cringe a little bit everytime it's mentioned. Putting scissors and other sharp tools back on the shelves I have to do very quickly or my mind tends to wander to what I could do with a shiny new pair of super sharp blades in all sizes some of which would be so easy to hide. No one would even suspect anything because I sew/craft. I work with sharp (potentially dangerous) tools all the time. Sometimes I think that working here was a mistake because there are so many things that trigger me here; safety pins, needles, scissors, staple guns, box cutters, metal rulers, etc. Most of the time I can block it out. Think of something else and remind myself that THAT is not what these things are for. That I am no longer that person. So far it helps to calm down the voices in my head and helps me to breathe more steadily. Of course some days are worse than others. It's crazy how small things can still affect you like no time has passed at all.

Maybe I haven't changed as much as I'd thought.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I like you

My boyfriend checked up on me yesterday morning (as he has been everyday since I started feeling sick bless his heart). During our conversation he asked if I was staying home, which struck me as a really weird question because he knew it was my day off from work. I just ignored it as a casual question and went about my morning.  I should've seen it coming though...

Our landlord was scheduled to pop in sometime between 7am and 3pm (wide gap, I know) so when the doorbell rang around 145pm I thought it would be him so I didn't even budge. I was mindlessly messing around on my phone feeling really sad because I had planned on spending the day with Jesse and there I was lookin a frizzy sleepy mess and feeling like garbage. Needless to say I let my mom answer the door. Suddenly I heard a knock on my door. Can you guess who it was?

If you said Jesse- you're correct!!! My favorite person had come to suprise me with flowers in hand! I was completely caught off guard and yet so excited but also very very self conscious of the fact that I was a complete mess.

Now I know it's silly, I know. But I've gotten so used to dressing up for him and even though he says he doesn't mind my disheveled train wreck look (I'm exaggerating. He'd never call me a train wreck but you get the point) I just felt a little (a lot) uncomfortable/gross. Yet and still he assured me that it doesn't matter what I looked like. Bless him.

We just sat in my room talking and looking into space. I was staring at him trying not to giggle for the majority of his visit. I don't care if this makes me sound like a 12 year old- I get butterflies and warm fuzzy feelings whenever he's around! He's so sweet and kind and cute and thoughtful and chivalrous and cute and huggable and CUTE! 

When it came time for him so leave I didn't want him to go! We hugged for a while (by that I mean a good 5-10 minutes) and I would not let go. He ended up literally carrying me to the front door with my arms and legs wrapped around him! I was sad when I watched him drive away. 

Sleep deprivation

Currently I am in the break room at work on my lunch break and though this leftover shrimp pasta is wonderful I am still feeling very much inspired to cry and break things.

I haven't been able to get must rest in the last few weeks- tossing and turning, insomnia,  early mornings... and last night was no exception.  I couldn't fall asleep until sometime between 6-630am and I was rudely awakened by my alarm at 10am so that I could be on time to work at 11am. 

I'm halfway through my shift (I'm closing tonight) and it has been SUCH a difficult day! I have zero patience but I make it a point to never be rude to customers.  Like the good employee that I am I continue to give 110% to my customers and my coworkers. (But on the inside I'm screaming at all of you)

On a positive note, I refreshed my hair color last night and talked to my boo for 3 hours :)

I can hardly wait to clock out. I'm literally falling asleep.  Plus I'm still feeling stuffy+sneezy.  (Drowsiness? ) so this is just not a very good day to mess with me. But like I said I'm halfway there. Trying to keep my optimism up!

If I don't check back in again tonight I'll talk to yall tomorrow! 

Cooties

Ello Ello Ello! 

So it's still flu season and I now have cooties. COOTIES PEOPLE!!! This sucks! Jesse was sick not long ago (his birthday week the poor thing!) And I thought I had dodged it. Alas, I have failed. I wouldn't blame it completely on him though. In the last month 3 different people have called in sick! One girl was out for a whole week!! My nose is stopped up on one side, runny on the other, I'm achy and tired, I sneeze every 12 minutes, I'm just plain sick. But at least it's only a head cold yknow?

Unfortunately I'm to scheduled to work a lot this weekend and I cannot afford to miss any hours. Whoever you are reading this I hope that you are not working a job where you depend so heavily on an itty bitty paycheck. It's not fun to have to work through 5-6 discomfort because that's the difference between eating and not eating. My diet as of late has consisted entirely of pb&j, mac & cheese, banana bread, candy, and pizza. I still can't understand how I made it to 21 eating garbage all day everyday. I may be thin but I'm likely the most unhealthy person in California. No wonder I'm sick...

At the moment it is 1239AM and although I don't have to clock in until 330PM I'm going to call it a night. OH! P.S. before I forget- I recently learned that I could use the blogger app on my phone (look at me getting all hip~) I'm going to try and blog something everyday that I can. I forgot about it yesterday because I'm a lil rusty! I can't promise to blog EVERY day but I will promise to blog as often as I can.

G'night everyone! Sweet dreams ♡

Long time no blog!

I admit I'm a terrible blogger, good things worth talking about finally happen to me and I disappear without a trace! I like to think I was pretty good at keeping this space updated and I loved having the freedom to express myself creatively.  What I miss the most about blogging is a safe space to speak my mind and be as transparent as I pleased.

I do miss writing. I have a million physical journals/diaries all over the place and my blog was that 1,000,001!  It's so great to be able to go back through my archives and see a snapshot of what was going on in my life (and in my mind) at the time.

I'm sure we're all sick of the 'new year new me' cliché BUT I'm going to annoy you all one more time! My life as of late is moving in a new positive direction and I couldn't be happier in this very moment!( well actually if I had some waffles+ice cream.....) This 'new me' didn't exactly have a start date. I sort of grew into this new Eboné. And I'm so excited about where she's gonna go and what she's gonna do!

I may not be very concise or very articulate (which if you've been with me for a while you've  already known) but I'm coming back to the blogging world and I have so much to share! All my old posts will stay right where they are! Feel free to peruse my archives till your hearts conent! I'll be just as open and honest as I was before, transparency is something that is very important to me. I'd be delighted to have you along with me on my journey through life ♡

I hope you're have a FANTASTIC start to 2015!