Diary Entry

Monday, January 28, 2013 - 11:54 A.M.


I've been told that I have a beautiful smile. In school compliments weren't given often, and when they were it never mattered. No matter what was said I could never smile and accept it because I had no self esteem.

That was then. Now I can smile and take a compliment for what it's worth. Everyone's definition of 'beauty' is different but I think I happiness is the most beautiful thing in the world. I believe happiness is a state of mind and you have to constantly make the decision to be so. I'm still learning how to be happy. I think that my decision to be happy has reflected in my smile, because I don't have to force it anymore. It's a true smile that comes from the warmth I feel inside.

Anyway, this is starting to sound sappy.
Time to go.

Close to Him again

I won't go into detail just yet, but just to touch on it briefly I want a better relationship with God. 

I grew up in a christian church/household with a preacher for a father. It's in my veins. No, I do not believe because "that's how I was raised", it's all I knew, I was brainwashed, or whatever silly reason people try and pin on me. I believe what I believe because it is true for me in my soul and spirit.

When I got into middle school and high school I went through a rebellious phase. Or what you might call "backsliding." But it was short lived lasting for about 5 or so years. I know 5 years doesn't sound short but you know as well as I when you're young those years fly right on by!

Over the years I've questioned just about every bit of my faith and came back to the conclusion (because I know deep down this has always been the answer for me, I was just lost for a period) that God is my one and only. Literally the key to everything in my life! Christianity isn't a religion for me, it's a relationship with God, a lifestyle choice, and being part of a family of believers.

Random memory: When I was a kid though, I WAS very religious. I never missed Sunday church, regardless of weather conditions or being sick. I was always at bible study whether it was in church or at home with my parents. Prayed 'The Lord's Prayer' every morning on the way to school and just before bed. I even stayed up some nights and weekends to watch church services broadcasts on television. For a while I was as happy as can be singing in the church choir with my aunt and cousins. Lol granny would've been proud. But like I said, as soon as I started growing up I became more exposed to the ways of the world. I was curious, tempted even, pretty soon I decided to break away and do my own thing for a few years.

This post is really scattered and doesn't make a whole 'lotta sense. But you'll have to excuse me. It's after 1A.M.

"In french, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.” I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you."

 
This morning I woke up at 8. And then I rolled over.

Then I woke up again around 10:30. 
Without even lifting my head or opening my eyes I could feel that my sister had already left for work and no one else was awake. So I turned over in hopes of getting just a few more Zzz's in.

After a really weird and fuzzy dream I reluctantly woke up. Naturally I turned on my stomach, put my headphones in to listen to "Virginia Bluebell" by Miranda Lambert, and didn't physically get up until the song was over.

I am not a morning person.

Augusten Burroughs

"There is no shame in being hungry for another person. There is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody."

-Augusten Burroughs

"Oh happy day with joyous glee!"

1. So we closed "Pirates of Penzance" this afternoon. As usual, it was bittersweet. Glad to be done and finally have free time. Sad not getting to see all the wonderful cast members all the time.We had a good run. I shared many laughs with many great people.

2. I got back into drawing again, nothing special just flowers. My favorite <3

3. Tomorrow morning I'm gonna call ________ and see about scheduling a possible interview for this week or next week. (THIS WHOLE JOB HUNT FIASCO WILL BE IN DETAIL SOON!) but probably not...

4. I felt like complete crap this past week so my mother brought me a whole box full of tea!! There's gotta be at least 100 or so packs goin' on in there. Instant pick-me-up! So now I will spend the rest of my nights cuddled up with my blanket, warm tea with my favorite mug, and classic B&W movies. It's not weird that I'm excited for that, right?

 



+Shout out to TCM (Turner Classic Movies- DirecTv Ch.254). Most of my television time between early 2012 and now has been spent there :) If you're into classic movies from the 30's all the way through the 60's I highly suggest you tune in!

Perfectionism

I've realized that over the past year I've developed a little bit of a perfectionist... thing. It's not extreme in the least bit. I'd give myself 6 out of 10 on the perfectionism scale.

I don't see anything wrong with striving for perfection. I think that's what everyone should do. I do however, see something wrong with working yourself to death all day everyday only to hate yourself for never actually reaching perfection.

Truthfully and without placing blame on her I believe that I learned this from my mom. She's been a perfectionist her entire life. I remember being a little girl and feeling like she didn't like me because I never did anything "perfect" or "just right."

Growing up I was determined not to be like her. And did a pretty good job of not adopting her crazy standard, habits, and expectations for everything to be perfect in life. I did such a good job in fact, that I was failing at everything in life. Most kids between 13-17 go through an "awkward phase." I was too busy self-sabotaging.

After high school was over I went through a typical grey-period of not knowing what to do with my life. Did I want to go to college? Start working? WHAT??? As sad as it sounds it went on for about a year. But I got my act together and worked my butt off while going to school. It was then that I realized I had been ruining my entire life up to that point. And for what? All to spite my mother. I was depressed for a while dwelling day after day on all the time I wasted, opportunities I let pass me by, people that I could have spent time with.

When I turned 19 I vowed to myself that I would never allow myself to be that girl again. She was dead and I was going to create a better much happier life for myself.

And I felt great about that decision for a long time. But it took me until now to realize that I may have overcompensated in a few areas.

I wanted so desperately to break away from that dumb girl I was and to be this amazing young woman that I always dreamed of being. Which would be completely fine, if my expectations for this 'new girl' weren't so unrealistic too.

One more thing...

So I just posted and ended with "until tomorrow..."

Well, actually now that I think about it I should probably start saying something else because I always have one or two (or five) more things to add. I won't edit them in because I feel they deserve their own separate post LOL.

SO here's a sneak peak for manana's PPS (pretend photo shoot):

I have a few more skirts and accessories that I need to shoot so that I can put them up for sale. A lot of people take the easy way out and just use basic photos of their clothes/items on a hanger, mannequin, or laid out over a nice table or something. But I personally need to see it on someone. I need to see it put together nicely, nothing too fancy. Like I said before- catalog style.

Also, if everything goes right with my camera expect a vlog tomorrow :)

Pretend photo shoot

My dad was a good sport. He got up early to help me take a million and one serious and not-so-serious pictures for a bunch of items that I'm selling.


Anywho, so about this 'photo shoot." Usually I do these for a reason, i.e. selling my things, but a lot of times what ends up happening is that just like most girls I like taking random pictures! I have never let go of my childish dream of being a model. Not the runway type. I'm more into the catalog scene.

Since I was around 11 or 12 I started to go onto online clothing sties like Delias.com and Alloy.com and request catalogs every season. The funny thing is the only thing I've EVER bought anything from one of those catalogs that I've gotten was a pair of really great faux leather knee-high flat boots in the 9th grade! If only you could see how many of those I still have. It's a bit ridiculous I must say...


All in all if you've seen my post "This is ridic" you'd know that today was a great sun-shiny day until my camera decided to malfunction. On my sisters way home from work she picked up pizza for us so that definitely turned my lil frown upside down :)

This is ridic

I tried making a vlog not once but twice today! It was a massive fail. But the sun was quickly fading away as was my patience. So I have decided that tomorrow at dawn... WE STRIKE!



***edit:
Yeah, sooooo the video thing ain't gonna happen. Lol I seriously cannot figure it out. Oh well. 

Scribbles from Sappy New Years' Eve

Growing pains are the worst pains.
I thought I was one of the lucky ones. One of the “special snowflakes” that can navigate through their teenage years without an awkward phase.
This year I will be 20. I know, not very old. BUT in my very short 19 years, I feel like I’ve done so much, yet I’ve also missed out on a world of opportunities.
I take these last 5 or so years as a big list of WHAT NOT TO DO!
I’ve

• broken my own heart
• tore myself down
• missed out on amazing things because of fear
• held myself back from having much needed conversations with certain people
• disappointed myself
• relapsed with my addictions

I’ve allowed

• the opinions of others to be ridiculously more important than my own
• people to walk all over me
• others to tear me down and hurt me because that’s what I thought I deserved
• myself to become a passive person
• myself to become somewhat of a martyr

BUT I’ve also

• built myself back up
• gotten fit
• acquired a good healthy diet/eating habits
• learned to speak up for myself and be honest about what I need/want
• allowed myself to be creative and imaginative
• started making my own decisions about my life
• come up with goal and actually achieved them
• weeded out toxic people in my life
• had fun and experimented with my ‘look’
• laughed until I cried
• gained much needed confidence

Scribbles and letter #3

***all from fall of 2012***

I know it’s wrong and goes against what I believe is the right thing to do. But apparently I am an idiot and need to learn things the hard way.
However, God always leads me in the right direction to figure things out and change my ways with enough time before self-destruction.
Why I continue to do this to myself I have no explanation other than I am NOT perfect. No matter how hard I try.
............................

Some friends aren’t meant to be in our lives forever.

No matter how much you want them to stay.
No matter how much you TRY to MAKE them stay.

...........................

I don’t like using such strong words, but right now I kind of hate you.

Not really. I’ve never actually hated anyone, much less you. I’m just really disappointed and really hurt.
REALLY hurt.

Letters #2

***from fall of 2012***

It was all fun giggles and butterflies in the beginning. But now? Now I want more. What you’re giving me is not enough. And since you’ve made it clear that you cannot give it to me, I want nothing to do with you. I have no problem turning the other way and leaving you behind completely. Yeah, I can be a grown up and be cordial with you… but there’s a side to me you'll never get to see again.
I warned you: I want you all to myself, or not at all.

Diary Entry #1

***from summer of 2012***

I may not be the "world's greatest friend." I may not be the BEST "best friend."

But I always always make a point to check in on people I care about and reassure them that I care about them, still think about them, praying for them, hope they’re okay. Most of all that I miss them and although I don’t seem to be putting forth much effort into our friendship or whatever kind of relationship we have with one another, that I do love them… very much.

Letters #1

***dated from over a year ago, sometime in early 2012***


Dear you,

Thanks for saving me the heartache.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you. But then again the person you were and are now, the girl I was and am now, are NOT the same people. We both grew up, still growing up… And our lives are going in different directions. And I am okay with that. I know now that if we had gotten together, it would have had a negative impact on me. I don’t know how else to say this, but back then I was blinded by silly butterflies and in a way I kinda dodged a bullet with you. I feel like that sounds really mean because you’re not a bad person. Just bad for me. Outside of all that, you’ve been nothing but a real friend to me when I needed one. You and I haven’t spoken in a year or so. And like I said I do miss you, or should I say the person you were. I left on a bitter note, but all is forgiven… sorta. Nonetheless, I wish you all the best.

P.S. I still think we would’ve been cute together ;)

Hello 2013

Nice to meet you.