Hanging out with Baby Danielle on Thanksgiving

 

Pre-Thanksgiving party // Anxiety attack

Every now and then my aunt who lives close by throws a Family+Friends party. This year it happened to fall the Saturday before Thanksgiving. So it became sort of a pre-Thankgiving party. I arrived with my mom + sister (how cute are they?!) and for the first hour or so I was perfectly fine. A little nervous seeing so many unfamiliar faces when I expected to run into a lot of my cousins that night instead. But I was happy to be out of the house, dressed up, and ready to eat some good food. After eating, greeting and chatting a bit with people I did recognize we were just kind of bored. We sat around that table and I snapped some pictures that you see above. My mom and sister were ready to leave but my dad and my cousins hadn't yet arrived. So I stayed behind hoping they would come very very soon! I was okay for the first 20 minutes or so because my dad showed up and I basically followed him around like a shadow. But then I started to feel really uncomfortable.

By this time it was about 9p.m. and none of my cousins were there and it was safe to say they weren't showing up. I texted Kiko to see if she'd come by because I missed her and I was really only waiting for her to come to the party. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have even come to the party at all. So there I was in a house full of what felt like 60 or so people. I sat on the stairs and watched the older guys play dominoes and that was kind of entertaining. But then suddenly I felt really sad and lonely. So I got up and walked around looking for friendly faces to introduce myself to. Some little kids were running around so I talked to them for a bit. I really did try to socialize!! I didn't want a repeat of Cathy's party in June. (I wrote about that here)  But every time I did I felt myself becoming more and more uncomfortable. More insecure. More stupid. More alone.

A few of the things running through my head:
Why did I even come here? I should've stayed home.
It's not like anyone would miss me here anyway if I hadn't shown up.
I wanna go home.
I go to family parties all the time, why am I STILL not comfortable around them?
Where is Kiko???
I'm never going to another one of these things again.
I hate this. I should have left with my mom.
My dress is stupid. My hair is stupid. Everyone keeps looking at me.
Where the HECK did my dad go?
SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME HOME. NOW. I WANNA GO RIGHT NOW.

I was fighting the urge to cry pretty hard towards the end of the night. I was all by myself despite my attempts to socialize.We'd had a conversation about my problems with social events before and so he recognized when I was in distress. Without me asking (or even realizing that he noticed me being a loner) my dad sat with me on the stairs for a minute or two to ask what was wrong. Unfortunately before I could muster up the courage to ask to be taken home early someone started talking to him and they walked away. So I actually went upstairs because I could feel myself losing all control. My hands were cold and shaking, I was tearing up, and I just knew that if one more person came near me I was going to lose my mind. So before anything else could happen I turned and went straight up the stairs into one of the spare bedrooms and immediately before I could even close the door I started crying. Like sobbing. I looked at my phone again to see if I had gotten any messages from Kiko. But the last one she sent she told me that she would try to come. But that was it. I felt miserable and so lonely. I didn't want to drag my dad away from the party and beg him to take me home. I didn't want to be clingy and make him feel like he needed to babysit me. I didn't want other people to think something was wrong with me and I needed to follow him around like a child. Basically I didn't want to ruin his night. I tried to get myself together but I just could not handle being at this party.

2 Valentines Day outfit options

As usual, I get to be my very own Valentine this year :D
So I'm taking the day to pamper myself, eat absurd amounts of candy, and go out on my own like a BOSS!
If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to?

Anyway, I got all dolled up for myself and started with one outfit... but the indecisive side of my changed my mind about an hour later lol. SO I decided to blog about it just because.

Fresh pin curls make me so happy!
BTW I've been listening to this song all morning. And seeing as how I have found myself some flowers it's very much appropriate.

Enjoy! And Happy Valentines Day!<3