Pre-Thanksgiving party // Anxiety attack

Every now and then my aunt who lives close by throws a Family+Friends party. This year it happened to fall the Saturday before Thanksgiving. So it became sort of a pre-Thankgiving party. I arrived with my mom + sister (how cute are they?!) and for the first hour or so I was perfectly fine. A little nervous seeing so many unfamiliar faces when I expected to run into a lot of my cousins that night instead. But I was happy to be out of the house, dressed up, and ready to eat some good food. After eating, greeting and chatting a bit with people I did recognize we were just kind of bored. We sat around that table and I snapped some pictures that you see above. My mom and sister were ready to leave but my dad and my cousins hadn't yet arrived. So I stayed behind hoping they would come very very soon! I was okay for the first 20 minutes or so because my dad showed up and I basically followed him around like a shadow. But then I started to feel really uncomfortable.

By this time it was about 9p.m. and none of my cousins were there and it was safe to say they weren't showing up. I texted Kiko to see if she'd come by because I missed her and I was really only waiting for her to come to the party. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have even come to the party at all. So there I was in a house full of what felt like 60 or so people. I sat on the stairs and watched the older guys play dominoes and that was kind of entertaining. But then suddenly I felt really sad and lonely. So I got up and walked around looking for friendly faces to introduce myself to. Some little kids were running around so I talked to them for a bit. I really did try to socialize!! I didn't want a repeat of Cathy's party in June. (I wrote about that here)  But every time I did I felt myself becoming more and more uncomfortable. More insecure. More stupid. More alone.

A few of the things running through my head:
Why did I even come here? I should've stayed home.
It's not like anyone would miss me here anyway if I hadn't shown up.
I wanna go home.
I go to family parties all the time, why am I STILL not comfortable around them?
Where is Kiko???
I'm never going to another one of these things again.
I hate this. I should have left with my mom.
My dress is stupid. My hair is stupid. Everyone keeps looking at me.
Where the HECK did my dad go?
SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME HOME. NOW. I WANNA GO RIGHT NOW.

I was fighting the urge to cry pretty hard towards the end of the night. I was all by myself despite my attempts to socialize.We'd had a conversation about my problems with social events before and so he recognized when I was in distress. Without me asking (or even realizing that he noticed me being a loner) my dad sat with me on the stairs for a minute or two to ask what was wrong. Unfortunately before I could muster up the courage to ask to be taken home early someone started talking to him and they walked away. So I actually went upstairs because I could feel myself losing all control. My hands were cold and shaking, I was tearing up, and I just knew that if one more person came near me I was going to lose my mind. So before anything else could happen I turned and went straight up the stairs into one of the spare bedrooms and immediately before I could even close the door I started crying. Like sobbing. I looked at my phone again to see if I had gotten any messages from Kiko. But the last one she sent she told me that she would try to come. But that was it. I felt miserable and so lonely. I didn't want to drag my dad away from the party and beg him to take me home. I didn't want to be clingy and make him feel like he needed to babysit me. I didn't want other people to think something was wrong with me and I needed to follow him around like a child. Basically I didn't want to ruin his night. I tried to get myself together but I just could not handle being at this party.

Toi's baby shower! pt.3

Toi's baby shower pt.2

Toi's Baby shower! pt.1

We got her good!

 

Nephew's 14!

This morning my mom and I headed out (kinda late- too late to attend church first :/ ) to a birthday breakfast at a crepe restaurant for my lil nephew D's 14th birthday! I still can't believe he's 14. He will ALWAYS be 8 in my eyes. Haha I'm sure he'd hate to hear that though.Ahhh, how time flies!

 Did I mention his voice has been changing?! Omg, right?

 Of course, he never smiles anymore in pictures. =/

I didn't add the pictures I took of everyone who was there. I don't think they'd appreciate me posting all of the candid photos. I'll just keep them in my scrapbook for my eyes only ;P

 Madre trying to be lookin too cool in her leopard vest. 

Aside from us and a couple of my cousins who were there went with my sister and nephew to go shopping at the outlets. That birthday money was burning a hole in his pockets. Boy do I know the feeling! I just wish someone would have made me realize that saving at least some if not half of all that birthday-money, Christmas-money, just-because-money all those years would eventually add up and be of really good use when I got to be older. Like, the age I am now. Or even just until senior year of high school. We all know that there's tons of expenses senior year with all the events, photos, yearbooks, dances, not to mention your social life. 

But even still, money is given to you on those occasions because you're supposed to spend it all up. That's what money is for! I just wish I had started saving when I was younger.

I found out that my aunt and cousin live really close to me! I vaguely remember my mom telling me that there were near us somewhere... But I think it's pretty cool. Now, that's about 4 relatives in my city. Lol if I ever need a place to runaway to I know exactly where to go! Plus, he's going to the same school I am! Idk if he'll be there in the summer like I plan to. But if we run into each other he can gimmie all his lunch money! Win-win!

Speaking of running away- my sister is going to Canada next Tuesday! Okay, okay, it's for her job. But I like to think of it as a mini-vacay. I can't remember how long she's gonna be gone. Maybe just a couple of days. But I get to stay at her place for the time she's gone which is kind of a mini-vacay for me too! But my mom's coming too, we have to watch the house and D. She's only coming because I don't have my license yet =( Otherwise she'd let me stay there and use her car to take D to-and-from school by myself. How bad does that suck, right? Oh well. I'll get it soon... maybe. And my own car too... maybe.

 

Got two new pairs of reading glasses! Had to settle with a lower magnification than I really wanted to get (2.5 rather than 3 or higher). But I'm just glad that I don't need glasses to see normally. I was really getting tired of holding my books/journals/anything that I'm trying to read or write literally 5 inches from my face to see it clearly.

All in all today was great. Full of laughs, as is every time I'm with my family.

Nothing greater in this world.

I hope YOU are having a great day- whoever you are.

Girls day with mom!

Today my lovely mother and I were desperate to get out of the house. There's lot's of construction going on in our house so we've all spent the last two weeks secluded in our rooms. My mother came up with the brilliant idea of retail therapy! We started off at the dollar store and as one of our old traditions, we put on funny headbands, sunglasses, and hats anytime we passed them.Believe me, since Easter is soon approaching there were TONS of fun little accessories in there. But I'll respect my mother's request NOT to post all the silliest ones (which happen to be my favorite) and just show you the nicest ones LOL.

 

Knowing me, put me in a store with dresses and I'm doomed! I just can't resist! And who would want to? I must have tried on at least 20 and I found a really cute owl sweater. Funny enough if you know anything about the way that I shop you'd know that despite my instant attachment and general love of new clothes- I didn't buy a single thing. Although I did put the blue denim dress in layaway =)

 While my mom was shopping around looking for something 'cute and fresh' to add to her wardrobe for the coming season, I was on a secret mission... I found her a suuuper cute dress! I've seen it in Seventeen magazine, yes I still read Seventeen at age 19 so what!, and I thought it would be perfect for her body type. I found the last one in her size, forced her to try it on, and I was right! No surprise there ;) She fell in love with it and it looks so darn good on her petite self! 

 
 

We then swooned and sighed over the vibrant colors in the home decor section. I'm sure we're not the only ones who redecorate our living space in our head every time we walk down those aisles.

 Look at what I found at Walgreens!  They have adorable mouse shaped ring pops inside. Much too small for me and clearly meant for toddler sized humans. Currently contemplating on whether or not to o back and get them simply because they are adorable. I'd give the candy away, maybe...

Since my hair color has grown out and faded away to pretty much nothing, I'm on the hunt for a new hair dye. I can't decide! I want either a deep shade of red or a light shade of brown. Typically the rule is: lighter in the warmer sunny months and darker in the cold grey months. But I find myself leaning toward the deeper shades. Probably because I had warm brown hair all last year and I'm getting bored of it. Maybe I'll go lighter though, it does bring out my eyes. Oh well, the search continues.

So as usual my dad and I were sent to pick up pizza, YUM! We took pictures at almost every stoplight, another tradition of ours.

Oh and did I mention I met the cute boy at Walgreens!? Okay he was the cashier so I didn't meet him in a traditional sense. But he was really nice and had great hair. It was long and curly at the ends (swoon) and when I complimented him he told me that he was going to donate it to Locks of Love soon! How sweet of him, right?

Today was pretty fun, along with going over my mom's BFF's house for some sweet tea and conversation. Tomorrow we're gonna go back after some more shopping. Girls day #2! =)

Too much too soon!

So many things have been happening since the start of February.

And at the same time, not much of anything...

• I made my first sale on Etsy :)
• Completely cleaned out my closet along with my mothers and sisters closets.
• Began spring cleaning (actually I 'spring clean' almost every other month, but I skipped December so February was overdue!)
• Had no internet for about 10 days eeeek!
• Having the bathroom remodeled. Turns out we have asbestos! YIKES!
• MASSIVE grocery shopping with my mother - but we're about that frugal life so we're not broke. lol Thank the Lord for coupons!
• Still on the hunt for a jay-oh-bee (job)
• My sleep schedule is completely out of whack! Most days I'm asleep through daylight hours and wide awake at night. My new bedtime? 7 a.m. =/
• I've been going coocoobananas with DIY projects! I need something to keep me sane with all that's been gong on in my personal life these past few months. My sewing machine has never gotten so much frequent use as it has the last 6 or so months. (Okay, so technically it's my mothers... but seeing as how she never uses it I have claimed it as my own MUAHAHA >;] )

Anyhoo, there's much more detail coming soon.

"Oh happy day with joyous glee!"

1. So we closed "Pirates of Penzance" this afternoon. As usual, it was bittersweet. Glad to be done and finally have free time. Sad not getting to see all the wonderful cast members all the time.We had a good run. I shared many laughs with many great people.

2. I got back into drawing again, nothing special just flowers. My favorite <3

3. Tomorrow morning I'm gonna call ________ and see about scheduling a possible interview for this week or next week. (THIS WHOLE JOB HUNT FIASCO WILL BE IN DETAIL SOON!) but probably not...

4. I felt like complete crap this past week so my mother brought me a whole box full of tea!! There's gotta be at least 100 or so packs goin' on in there. Instant pick-me-up! So now I will spend the rest of my nights cuddled up with my blanket, warm tea with my favorite mug, and classic B&W movies. It's not weird that I'm excited for that, right?

 



+Shout out to TCM (Turner Classic Movies- DirecTv Ch.254). Most of my television time between early 2012 and now has been spent there :) If you're into classic movies from the 30's all the way through the 60's I highly suggest you tune in!