Saturday, December 21, 2013

We accept the love we think we deserve

We've all heard it a million times.
It's hard. It's really hard to get out of your own way sometimes.

I've pushed people away countless times. I always believed it was somehow better to leave before I was left. They were going to disappear sooner or later so at least this way it's on my own terms. I'll just beat them to the punch because it'll hurt less this way. I've let all my fears and insecurities drive me away from friends and family who truly care about me. And even from a few that I could have developed relationships with had I not run them off. If only I had allowed myself to trust. To allow someone to get close to me. To accept that maybe someone actually does care. Or at least wants to for whatever their reason may be.

"I, on the other hand, have not yet accepted a love. It’s not for lack of wishing though. I crave that kind of love and hope and wish for it on a daily basis. And while I have met a few guys who have in some way tried to take things to the next level, I have never felt (apart from 2 very separate occasions) compelled to give myself to a person in that way and let them in to my life. I know it sounds ridiculous and probably is very unrealistic, but I am constantly searching for my idea of perfection. I know what I want and I am not really willing to compromise. Unfortunately, it is this belief and this feeling within me that has probably held me back from being with at least a couple of guys now. But is this really a bad thing? Sure, at the grand old age of 24 I have yet to experience a lot of things even 16 year olds already have, but has it ultimately meant that I’ve saved myself from a lot of torment, heartache, embarrassment and time by not investing in the wrong people? I know they say you learn from your mistakes but I really don’t want certain significant events in my life to be mistakes. I want them to be glorious. I want to look forward to going a date. I want to get excited about the guy I’m going to see. I want to look back at a guy and feel nothing but warmth in my heart for him and the person he is. I want him to be intelligent and able to hold a conversation. I also would like him to be taller than me in my tallest boots! But most of all I want him to make me laugh."  -siof

"your own self esteem is the most valuable thing you own. too often people fall into relationships that are volatile and remain in them for as long as they think they can't do better. but underneath it all, they "can't do better" because they don't think they're worthy of greater things. if you think highly of yourself, you wouldn't let anybody walk all over you, right? so in love, if you know you're the equivalent of rainbows and unicorns, you should really only be with someone who also thinks you're amazing and treats you so."-Regina

While I agree with these two ladies, and they have very valid points, their feelings differ from my own. I'm not 'hiding myself away' because I believe that I deserve some fantastic person and 'refuse to settle.' I'm not putting myself in the arms of awful people because I 'don't think I can do better.'

I want to be loved. But I don't deserve it. I haven't done anything worthy of loving. Sure I'm a nice girl, and I do my best to keep those around me happy... But I just honestly don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. I have nothing to offer.

For instance I went on a date recently and he was such a sweetheart. He was saying all the things I'd been dying to hear from a boy. He was a gentlemen, too. Opening doors, asking permission, making sure I was comfortable, the whole nine. But the entire time all I could do was question his every intention. I freaked out anytime he said something complimentary. Every move he made I tried to analyze. I told him that I know eventually he'll find something about me he doesn't like, get bored of me, or just something will make him leave because everyone always leaves. I don't know what I was thinking! I mean who does that?? For some reason I couldn't stop myself. He tried to reassure me that he plans on stickin around but I didn't hear a word he said. I want to believe him but something in me just gets sad and turns away. All these negative thoughts come into my mind. "That's what they all say. And where are they now? In the arms of someone else."  And I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm completely crazy by now. And he's half-right. Because it doesn't make any logical sense. Why would anyone in their right mind... just... just drive someone away who clearly wants to be there? I mean, he approached me for goodness sake! Ugh!

I'm mad at myself more than anything. I do this every. single. time. and then I wonder why I'm always alone. Is my self-esteem really that low? To the point that even when someone tells me something to my face I still can't accept it? My insecurities were really showing the entire night. Which is so sad. Because at my age I should really have a handle on that, but I don't.

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1 comment:

  1. This resonates with me. Even at 40, it is something that I'm working on. 2014 brings with it the long overdue challenge to "live free". So, hopefully one of the things I will be able to release is this desire to trap myself in this 'old way' of doing things.

    Hang in there.

    Also, give him another chance to try again. Be real with him about WHY and see if he's really as committed to knowing the awesome YOU!