Sunday, January 25, 2015

Never easy but always worth it pt1

I try to remain transparent and 115% honest on my blog, mainly for myself. This space is like an honest account of my life, feelings, thoughts, etc. I'm not a good writer but it still is very cathartic for me. Actually talking to another person has never helped me in the past. Too many things get in the way- nervousness, anxiety, feeling like I'm being judged, withholding truths in fear of the other persons reaction, the list goes on forever.  So I'd much rather write out my never-ending stream of consciousness (to myself) in a place that I truly feel safe and free to speak (type) my mind whenever and wherever I am.

That being said, because of my decision to have this space be public meaning that anyone anywhere in the universe can learn nearly every detail of my life- there are still things that I do not post. There are experiences and thoughts and feelings that I keep private as they are not for everyone to know about. Some matters should remain personal- to ONE person only. That person is me.

What I can share is that so many wonderful and unexpected things have been going on over the last year in my personal life, love life, and work life. I've been falling for a boy with bright blue eyes, excelling at my job, and am currently in the beginning stages of starting a new business venture all on my own! My dreams are literally coming true!!! Yet and still there is an undercurrent of terrible inexplicable feelings.

Some of these are to be expected. Everyone gets scared when life suddenly starts to take a new direction even if that direction is a good one! It's only natural to be wary of the rug being ripped from under you without notice. "Is this too good to be true?" sort of thing. And of course there's doubt. The "I don't deserve this" monologue you recite to yourself.

In addition to those thoughts and feelings I'm feeling something a bit darker. Last summer I relapsed after being 'good' for about 8 months. I was caught with fresh wounds and bandages by my mother which lead to an intervention of sorts.  My family rushed to my house in the middle of the night and I was basically sobbing for 3 hours as they tried to 'fix me.' It's been almost 6 months since that awful night and I haven't touched a blade since then. Okay I'm lying, I have touched a blade (or 5) but I haven't hurt myself since then. I cannot lie. I've been so tempted to do it again.

At work we have what we call a 'cutting table' and I cringe a little bit everytime it's mentioned. Putting scissors and other sharp tools back on the shelves I have to do very quickly or my mind tends to wander to what I could do with a shiny new pair of super sharp blades in all sizes some of which would be so easy to hide. No one would even suspect anything because I sew/craft. I work with sharp (potentially dangerous) tools all the time. Sometimes I think that working here was a mistake because there are so many things that trigger me here; safety pins, needles, scissors, staple guns, box cutters, metal rulers, etc. Most of the time I can block it out. Think of something else and remind myself that THAT is not what these things are for. That I am no longer that person. So far it helps to calm down the voices in my head and helps me to breathe more steadily. Of course some days are worse than others. It's crazy how small things can still affect you like no time has passed at all.

Maybe I haven't changed as much as I'd thought.


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