She told me to just grin and bear it - Friday Letters

  

Dear followers+friends,
You want the truth? Well here it is straight, no chaser.
I've struggled with self-harm since the 7th grade.
I was 'clean' for about 5 months and this week I relapsed.
There I said it. I admit it.


So for mental and emotional health reasons I am going to take a small vacay from blogging. I'm not quitting blogging! I just have a lot going on in my personal life right now that needs sorting. Maybe I'll be able to really sit down and explain one day all of what's going on with me...maybe I won't. But right now I'm not in the right frame of mind to do so. I hope you understand. There's a lot of things about myself that I've kept private because it's just plain embarrassing. Like, even though it hurts so much to keep it all to myself I'm afraid to share certain things in the hopes of finally feeling relieved and accepted and understood only to have it backfire on me in the end. I don't want to be seen as an embarrassment or annoying or a hypocrite or just another pathetic girl who couldn't get her life together.

Believe me I've been doing (or at least trying my best to do) a good job of keeping my chin up. I've thought good thoughts, laughed hearty laughs, took pretty pictures, got new clothes, sang a bunch of sugary songs, and all that jazz. But it was to no avail. I've still failed. I feel like I'm back at square one. I've done all that I know how to do to keep a genuine smile on my face. But right now I am emotionally drained. I am physically tired. This past week was the straw that broke the camels back. I have done all I can to ignore my triggers. I've spent countless days researching alternatives. Looking for ways around it. Fighting all of my urges. But I failed. Just like I always do.

I feel like the best thing for me to do is to take myself away from anything in my life that may contribute to any and all negative thoughts/feelings and this includes social media. I have to do what I have to do in order to keep myself sane. So please be patient with me. Again, I'm not quitting, I just need to get myself back into a happy frame of mind.

Aloha `oe, until we meet again xoxo  

I had an anxiety attack

i don't know what's wrong with me. I've been having a strange urge to just cry for the past few weeks. it's not everyday but it is most days. i don't know where its coming from.

it feels like just a wave of sadness and suddenly my eyes burn, my throat hurts, and all i can think about is how sad i feel. i haven't let myself cry at all though. i think im scared i wont be able to stop.

i havent felt this way since i was in high school! i dont wanna be that girl again! especially because im all alone now. i dont have any friends to help me through anymore. all i have is my parents and we all know how "great" that turned out last time. ive been fighting to hold this in all day and honestly my head hurts so bad. i hate this.

i had an anxiety attack at the party at Cathys house and i swear it ruined me. we were there all night and for the first few hours i was all by myself. when we first got there i walked around looking for familiar faces. unable to find anybody i knew i ended up standing in the corner of the room trying to remain invisible and out of the way. mind you this is a FAMILY party. i couldnt find a single friendly face in my own family! i clutched my purse in my shaking hands for dear life and nearly broke down right then and there. i dont even lknow why i did that. i was only making things worse for myself but i seriously didnt know what else to do in thst moment.

i mean, what would you do? a house full of 60-75 people. i didnt know where my dad was and i was too embarrassed to go looking for him like some poor child lost in a supermarket. i felt like such an idiot. why did i even come?!?!

i caught a few stares. the only time someone would talk to me was to get me out of the way as they passed by.

eventually while "looking for the bathroom" i found a room away from the party wheer i sat on the couch and i could finally just focus on breathing. i reminded myself that in a few hours id be safe and warm at home. i just need to make it a few more hours. this is for my dad. he never gets to see his side of the family. he hardly gets to do anything fun or social so i can't ruin his night. i can't make a scene... not here.

unable to fully calm down i texted a good friend of mine to distract myself. thankfully he wasnt too busy to keep me company. OH MY GOSH it helped me so much. i really didnt feel so alone anymore.

hours passed and everything was subsiding and i started feeling likei was okay. at this time it was around midnight or something and i was hit on by a few pervy cousins who 'didn't realize we were related' AT A FAMILY PARTY. but i avoided them successfully.

my cousin R gave us a ride home since she doesnt live too far from us and i felt myself choking up again. i guess because i didnt get my tears out at the party it was coming back? idk but i was able to fight it off. i came home, washed up, changed clothes, and went straight to bed.

Scribbles from Sappy New Years' Eve

Growing pains are the worst pains.
I thought I was one of the lucky ones. One of the “special snowflakes” that can navigate through their teenage years without an awkward phase.
This year I will be 20. I know, not very old. BUT in my very short 19 years, I feel like I’ve done so much, yet I’ve also missed out on a world of opportunities.
I take these last 5 or so years as a big list of WHAT NOT TO DO!
I’ve

• broken my own heart
• tore myself down
• missed out on amazing things because of fear
• held myself back from having much needed conversations with certain people
• disappointed myself
• relapsed with my addictions

I’ve allowed

• the opinions of others to be ridiculously more important than my own
• people to walk all over me
• others to tear me down and hurt me because that’s what I thought I deserved
• myself to become a passive person
• myself to become somewhat of a martyr

BUT I’ve also

• built myself back up
• gotten fit
• acquired a good healthy diet/eating habits
• learned to speak up for myself and be honest about what I need/want
• allowed myself to be creative and imaginative
• started making my own decisions about my life
• come up with goal and actually achieved them
• weeded out toxic people in my life
• had fun and experimented with my ‘look’
• laughed until I cried
• gained much needed confidence