i don't know what's wrong with me. I've been having a strange urge to just cry for the past few weeks. it's not everyday but it is most days. i don't know where its coming from.
it feels like just a wave of sadness and suddenly my eyes burn, my throat hurts, and all i can think about is how sad i feel. i haven't let myself cry at all though. i think im scared i wont be able to stop.
i havent felt this way since i was in high school! i dont wanna be that girl again! especially because im all alone now. i dont have any friends to help me through anymore. all i have is my parents and we all know how "great" that turned out last time. ive been fighting to hold this in all day and honestly my head hurts so bad. i hate this.
i had an anxiety attack at the party at Cathys house and i swear it ruined me. we were there all night and for the first few hours i was all by myself. when we first got there i walked around looking for familiar faces. unable to find anybody i knew i ended up standing in the corner of the room trying to remain invisible and out of the way. mind you this is a FAMILY party. i couldnt find a single friendly face in my own family! i clutched my purse in my shaking hands for dear life and nearly broke down right then and there. i dont even lknow why i did that. i was only making things worse for myself but i seriously didnt know what else to do in thst moment.
i mean, what would you do? a house full of 60-75 people. i didnt know where my dad was and i was too embarrassed to go looking for him like some poor child lost in a supermarket. i felt like such an idiot. why did i even come?!?!
i caught a few stares. the only time someone would talk to me was to get me out of the way as they passed by.
eventually while "looking for the bathroom" i found a room away from the party wheer i sat on the couch and i could finally just focus on breathing. i reminded myself that in a few hours id be safe and warm at home. i just need to make it a few more hours. this is for my dad. he never gets to see his side of the family. he hardly gets to do anything fun or social so i can't ruin his night. i can't make a scene... not here.
unable to fully calm down i texted a good friend of mine to distract myself. thankfully he wasnt too busy to keep me company. OH MY GOSH it helped me so much. i really didnt feel so alone anymore.
hours passed and everything was subsiding and i started feeling likei was okay. at this time it was around midnight or something and i was hit on by a few pervy cousins who 'didn't realize we were related' AT A FAMILY PARTY. but i avoided them successfully.
my cousin R gave us a ride home since she doesnt live too far from us and i felt myself choking up again. i guess because i didnt get my tears out at the party it was coming back? idk but i was able to fight it off. i came home, washed up, changed clothes, and went straight to bed.