You were born to bloom!

Just keep believing
You'll see a new season soon
You're turning into something amazing
Baby, you were born to bloom

I'll admit, I'm a lover of sad sappy songs. Give me a depressing song of heartbreak or an angsty song about being misunderstood and you got me. But lately all I'm in the mood for is encouraging, happy, inspiring, lovey-dovey songs! It's good to have balance I suppose. Coupled with the fact that things are going so good in my life right now. My self-confidence is getting a little better (I'm wearing lipsticks again!!), I'm out of the house more than once a month, making $$$, and eating better. I mean, God has just been so good to me man, I wish I could make you understand. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing..."

We all go through seasons. Of happiness, struggle, friendship, heartbreak, maybe even periods of being stagnated (like me). But seasons change. That is something that will always be true. Good or bad everything changes. I find that I'm often stagnated- more often because of my own doing than not. Main reason being that I become not complacent but I guess just really comfortable not moving forward. But I know logically if I ever want to live my life, proceed, and progress I must ACCEPT and EMBRACE change. Not only that but cause change.

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We are a lot like flowers. 

First a seed need to be planted. Then it grows it roots and breaks through the earth. The lil stems reach towards the sun and grows into a tiny little bud. And when the time is right and it has enough strength it blooms into a beautiful flower... or a weed haha! But while it's going through all these changes there are different seasons- surviving the cold hard winter when the conditions are much too hard for most flowers to grow (at least on the surface). But then comes the rain and wind threatening to drown the poor thing. Little does it know it's being watered not drowned. Out comes the sun and dried up all the rain just in time for spring + summer! It's time to shine and maybe even pollinate amirightladies ;)

*omg I'm really bad with analogies*

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But I like to think of things this way:

• It starts sometimes as small as a seed (see also: Luke 17:6)
• Take all the time that is necessary to work internally - trees and flowers must grow roots before they can sprout fruit and flowers
• Realize that you are being watered, not drowned.
• You won't just magically show up one day. Everyday you reach a little higher toward the sun as you become stronger.
• You will know when it's time. You will know when a new season is coming. (see also Matthew 24:32)
• When you finally bloom and you find that others who used to pass you by on the sidewalks or in the garden are now starting to realize you beauty, you may find that you are attracting a few bees. But don't worry! Bees are a good sign!
• The sun will always shine, you can count on that.

You're probably thinking earlier I forgot about the fall season right? 

Well unfortunately that's a very hard season for flowers because unfortunately that's when most flowers (and trees) wither away and die. But the beauty in that is you get to start again! Did you see what I did there? I believe that the language you use is extremely important. Turn that negative into a positive!! Don't think of it as "I have to start all over." Think instead, "I get to start again." It doesn't mean that all is lost, you now have the chance to pick a new dream, a fresh start!! The chance to make it whatever you want you majestic wildflower!!! 

Song of Solomon 2:11-13 "For behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away."

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The end of one phase isn't the end of the process. It's just the next step.

On letting go + Letting God

" I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you. " Psalm 32: 8

 " For the Lamb Who is in the midst of the throne will be their Shepherd, and He will guide them to the springs of the waters of life; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. " Revelation 7: 17

Alone in a room, it's just me and you. I feel so lost 'cause I don't know what to do. Now what if I choose the wrong thing to do? I'm so afraid, afraid of disappointing. My hopes and dreams are fading fast. I'm all burned out and I don't think my strength's gonna last. So I'm crying out, crying out to you- Lord I know that you're the only one who is able to pull me through. So show me how to do things your way. Don't let me make the same mistakes over and over again. Your will be done and I'll be the one to make sure the it's carried out.

So I need to talk to you and ask you for your guidance. Especially today when my life is so cloudy. Guide me until I'm sure.

I open up my heart to you.

XOXOXO

Impromtu bible study at the wash house

We found a bunch of lost items... turns out the owners of the place just leave 'the lost things' on the clothes buggies. "Finders keepers!"

I was in desperate need of getting out of the house today, so I volunteered to tag along with my dad to the wash house. There's a brand spanking new Walmart that just opened up across the street so naturally I snuck away to grab some snacks for when I got back home. Popcorn with extra butter + peach tea.

When I came back we had about 35-40 minutes until all the clothes were dry so I suggested we put the time to good use. I cracked open the tea and dad cracked open the bible. There aren't any chairs here, just benches near the front entrances. So we actually sat on our overturned laundry baskets. Dad: "Don't put too much weight on it, it'll buckle and you'll fall." Me: "I don't have much weight to put on anything." As usual, we ran out of time and we folded the clothes + towels so we could make our way back to the house.

Dinner, a quick clean up, and we set up for movie time in the living room.

A good day.

XOXOXO

Word of the day: Delight

Delight  

n.

1. Great pleasure; joy.

2. Something that gives great pleasure or enjoyment.

There's something He sees in me,

 something worth saving.

He delights in me

Understands my mind

Finds good in my heart

Loves my sense of humor

Cares about what I have to say, how I feel, and what I do.

He delights in every part of me.

And why wouldn't He? He created me after all!

And he created you too.

Doubt

  
So when I don’t necessarily know how to explain something I’m struggling to understand I use one of the many easily accessible resources I have- teh interwebz. I love to research ‘old language’ words from time to time to further my studies of the Word, one of the many things I got from my dad ;) 

Right now I’m focusing on understanding doubt.

Doubt is a big deal. And a fatal one at that. There are a million and one things I can think of on this subject but one I want to share is doubt in God’s promises and abilities.

I encourage you to visit the site to read the full article HERE! 

It’s pretty eye-opening. Of course, I always say take everything with a grain of salt. Because let’s be real; it is the internet guys. Here’s a couple definitions that stuck out to me.

  

Apistea

Strong’s definition: 1. Lacking confidence in the performer, unfaithfulness, faithless. 2. Want of faith, unbelief. 3. Weakness of faith. Description: Doubting God’s willingness or ability to alter the circumstances one is in.

Distazo

Strong’s definition: 1. Doubt/waver. Description: Intellectually reconsidering whether or not something one is believing for can or will occur. Skepticism.

Apistea. He now starts to doubt God’s ability to fulfill His word. His cure is to repent from worrying and direct His trust in God to do what He has said. If he doesn’t do this and continues to worry without putting down that concern, he slips into...
Distazo. He now becomes skeptical and may conclude if it was going to happen, it probably couldn’t happen now, so he may cease to believe as he considers the logic of the situation (as happened with Peter walking on the water). If he doesn’t stick in faith with what he has decided God has shown him, his doubt matures into...
Apeithei. He now consciously disbelieves in God’s promise and may even talk against it! In other words, his "faith" is now in the opposite to what he started out believing for originally! The only cure is full repentance and returning to a position of believing what God has said despite the circumstances he is in.

BE STILL

There are times when I feel like I need to save myself. I let my ego take over and I think I’m a superhero. But I don’t have all the answers, I never did. And as hard as I try I never will. I’ve run out of options and escape plans from A-Z. I’m too defiant to surrender and to prideful to call for reinforcements. So what's a girl to do?!

God has a plan for everything. He’s already worked out a way to get me through to the other side of my struggles. The only thing I need to do is be still. It’s when you start to fight your problems yourself instead that you begin to create problems fo yoself.

1.  Your constant worry and your insistence on worrying is saying that you don’t trust him. That you are doubtful of His word that He will lead you to the other side. God said don’t doubt him.

“Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea (the waves) that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind." James 1: 6

UH HELLO! Ain’t nobody got time to be blown ‘hither and thither’ by no wind! 

     2.  All fighting does is prolong the situation keeping you absolutely miserable in the process. Why make things more complicated than you need to?

So a couple things need to happen here... And believe me; I’ve been fighting my entire life so I understand that it’s a lot easier said than done. You need to accept the fact that whatever it is that you’re dealing with is out of your control at this point. It’s bigger than you.  Swallow your pride. Allow Him to take control. 

Are you like me and hate having to admit that you’re not actually Wonder Woman? That sometimes you need help? No problem! The cool thing about it is nobody has to know- a silent prayer can work wonders! This can stay between just you and God.

Believe me my love, as hard as it feels trying to swim and keep your head above the water He will NOT let you drown. I promise.

Careless

I've been so consumed with all of my day-to-day things. For far too long I've been putting my relationship with God, among other things, on the back burner. My mom had been out of state until recently so she asked if I had been to church while she was gone. I sort of snarled and replied, "I haven't been to church in weeks!" Another day I asked my dad to sit with me and have bible study like we used to. He agreed, and proceeded to tell me to go grab my bible and notebook. Without hesitation and with a bit of irritation, I said "Now? But I'm trying to watch something!" He looked at me like I was insane, and with good reason! And at that precise moment I couldn't believe how lazy and careless I had become. I couldn't believe the words coming out of my own mouth! I mean, right? I just brushed it off as if it were nothing. As if my relationship with God meant nothing to me at all.

I had gotten so comfortable not attending and sleeping in or going to bible studies regularly. Some time ago I was completely without transportation. I couldn't really go out and do those things anymore. Initially it wasn't a big deal because I always believed that I didn't have to go to a specific place with specific people around in order to be in touch with Him. After all, it was my relationship. I could talk to God whenever, wherever. I just liked doing those extra things, but they were never essential.

Over time, as with most things, I began to put other things first. Things that ordinarily would be fine as top priorities - rebuilding friendships, indulging in my hobbies, having fun, working, etc. But I guess I never realized exactly how much importance I had placed those other things. 

The problem isn't what I'm doing. The problem is allowing it to come before God.

And for that I feel guilty.

Almost shameful.

And make no mistake, I don't believe He looks down on me with shame and anger. I don't think He's up in heaven ready to smite me with lightning. These feelings are all my own. My spiritual growth is so so so important to me and yet I've just pushed it aside. As bad as I feel about it though, there is still a bit of gladness. Because only when you are aware of a problem are you able to fix it. I am so incredibly glad that the God I serve is such an understanding one. He knows I'm not perfect, that I failed, and will continue to fail. Yet He still loves me. He still forgives me and embraces me with open arms time and time again. He proves that to me every single day in a very special way.

Looks like I've got a lot of catching up to do!

Hall-lay-loo-yuh

 I tried taking pictures with my sister, but as usual she refuses. ONE DAY my darling, one day...

Just know that she's on my left lol

Earlier this week I attended church with my sister two, count 'em, TWO nights in a row! Which is extremely unusual for me. I've never been to a church service at night, much less twice in a row. And on a weeknight? Yeah, different but still nice. Although the guest speaker was a little more dramatic that I would have liked him to be...Nonetheless I took what I needed from the services.

Most of what was said throughout the first day was irrelevant to me. They were speaking on God being a father to the fatherless. For example, children and adults who are emotionally stunted and whose inner child is crying out for the 'father' or 'mother' role to be filled. Some fill that hole with sex, drugs, or even other people. But God is there waiting to fill that hole in your heart if you just lift your head up and allow him to.

I don't have that problem, but I can relate because most of the people in my family and a bunch of people I went to high school with don't have both parents in their lives. I feel for them. I feel for the dozens of people in the church that night balling their eyes out whenever something was said that spoke to their situations.

I swear that Monday night service was just for me, though. The Lord was speaking through the prophet straight into my heart. Have you ever heard or seen something that instantly hits a nerve?

"How long will you continue to walk on both sides of the line?"

"Your own doubt is blocking your blessing."

Close to Him again

I won't go into detail just yet, but just to touch on it briefly I want a better relationship with God. 

I grew up in a christian church/household with a preacher for a father. It's in my veins. No, I do not believe because "that's how I was raised", it's all I knew, I was brainwashed, or whatever silly reason people try and pin on me. I believe what I believe because it is true for me in my soul and spirit.

When I got into middle school and high school I went through a rebellious phase. Or what you might call "backsliding." But it was short lived lasting for about 5 or so years. I know 5 years doesn't sound short but you know as well as I when you're young those years fly right on by!

Over the years I've questioned just about every bit of my faith and came back to the conclusion (because I know deep down this has always been the answer for me, I was just lost for a period) that God is my one and only. Literally the key to everything in my life! Christianity isn't a religion for me, it's a relationship with God, a lifestyle choice, and being part of a family of believers.

Random memory: When I was a kid though, I WAS very religious. I never missed Sunday church, regardless of weather conditions or being sick. I was always at bible study whether it was in church or at home with my parents. Prayed 'The Lord's Prayer' every morning on the way to school and just before bed. I even stayed up some nights and weekends to watch church services broadcasts on television. For a while I was as happy as can be singing in the church choir with my aunt and cousins. Lol granny would've been proud. But like I said, as soon as I started growing up I became more exposed to the ways of the world. I was curious, tempted even, pretty soon I decided to break away and do my own thing for a few years.

This post is really scattered and doesn't make a whole 'lotta sense. But you'll have to excuse me. It's after 1A.M.